THE EFFECTS OF SEROXAT (Timeline).
Apr 00 - Aug 00 (pre Seroxat)
I was working as a part time cashier at a pet shop when I realised I had to do something about my anxiety. I found myself :-
Struggling to speak when the customers came to the checkout.
I wanted to do things like go to college and join a football team, but I realised I couldn't manage it. Before 2000, I was happy just playing football on the park and for my dads 7 a-side team.
So I went to the doctors and I was prescribed *10mg of Seroxat (a SSRI) for my social phobia and minor obsessive compulsive disorder (I'm not going to write about the OCD in detail because it was a minor problem).
*The issue is not that SSRIs are overwhelmingly deadly but that there is a real danger in prescribing them for young people and emotionally sensitive individuals..........Last year European watchdogs also recommended extra care be taken in prescribing Seroxat for people under 30. From the Observer article:- Dark secrets lurking inside the drug cabinet.
Aug 00 - Mar 01 (after Seroxat)
For the first few months when I took Seroxat, I was starting to feel more relaxed when talking to people. I managed to go on a college course (Psychology, which I passed) and make a couple of new friends.
The trouble with Seroxat started to show itself around Sep - Dec 2000. It was during this period when I started to realise that it wasn't me who was doing these new activities. I found that :-
My youthful attitude was going.
I started to feel like I was in a trance.I had nothing to say and wasn't bothered by it.
When words did come into my head, they were starting to be derogatory or rude. Especially if I was meeting a person for the first time (I managed not to say anything bad, I hope).
I started to put on weight.
An example of how I had changed was when the Benefits Agency had their Christmas party.Instead of avoiding it like I did the year before. This time I turned up and was about an hour late. When I got there, I basically sat there in a trance. I struggled to say a word and wasn't bothered about it. My desire to even try and speak was beginning to go.
I was getting slightly worried now. So I saw the doctor who prescribed me the Seroxat and he made me an appointment to see a psychiatrist.
When I went to see the psychiatrist, the conclusion he came to was "We'll double the dose and make it 20mg". That's when the symptoms started to get worse. Instead of the increased amount helping me. It did the opposite.
*I wasn't interested in anything.
*My trance like state worsened.
*I was looking after two hamsters which were given to me from the pet shop because nobody wanted them. The next bit I'm about to say I'm definitely not proud of. I forgot about them for three days and when I rushed in to see them the hamsters had eaten there own legs!!!. I'm more upset about this now (Feb 2009) than I was at the time. This because my emotions are starting to come back.
I was beginning to feel like the rules didn't apply.
My original characteristics and emotions were disappearing.
I stopped taking the Seroxat as soon as I realised how I was changing.
If I hadn't have stopped taking the Seroxat when I did. I'm sure I would have eventually gone to prison. It really did feel like my conscience was beginning to disappear.
Mar 2001 (Withdrawal Symptoms)
Looking back, the early withdrawal symptoms were worse than any symptom that occurred while I was taking Seroxat. For the first couple of weeks:-
My brain began to speed up (I felt like I was in a rush to do things)
I ate a lot more.
**Started to think the rare suicidal thought. **I put a kitchen knife to my wrist on one occasion and started to gently cut. As soon as I saw a bit of blood, I put the knife down instantly.
I knew at the time, that for the first couple of weeks I could expect some bad withdrawal symptoms. So I didn't bother seeing the doctor about them. What I didn't expect though, was to still be affected by Seroxat 9 years later.
**Douglas-Hamilton's account of how he suffered serious personality changes while trying to come off the pills has implications for other patients who also reported feeling extremely aggressive and reckless once they stopped taking the drug............
............'I'm a fairly timid guy,' he told The Observer last week. 'I had only been prescribed [Seroxat] because I suffered from anxiety and some depression. It seemed to destroy my conscience and my fear. I found myself walking out of the house with knives; I had every intention of killing people.' From the Observer article:- Robber cleared by drug defence.
Goodness knows what would have happened if I was put on more than **20mg or I didn't decide to stop taking it.
**Britain's best-selling antidepressant drug, Seroxat, which is alleged to cause a minority of those who take it to become suicidal or violent, has been prescribed in too high a dose to many thousands of patients, the regulatory authority said yesterday.
The Committee on the Safety of Medicines told doctors not to put depressed patients on a dose above the recommended level of 20mg A higher dose had no greater effect but the risk of side-effects increased. From the Guardian article:- Keep Seroxat doses low doctors told.
Apr 2001 - Sept 2002
After the initial withdrawal symptoms had subsided, I thought It wont be long till I'm back to my ordinary self. Instead:-
I didn't exercise anymore and had no interest in playing football (just something to do).
The weekends and weekdays all seemed to bleed into one.
I had to force myself to concentrate. I would forget to turn the lights off on my car. Also on a lot of separate occasions I would leave my keys in the door or the ignition.
I'd eat a big portion of chips and other fatty foods for dinner as well as bars of chocolate. On one occasion I got a massive box of chocolates and I ate them in 2 hours before I went to play football.
If I was late for work I would just park on the double yellow lines and pay the fine. This happened on more than one occasion.
Started to get an age problem at 22 (thought life had passed me by). It was this feeling of being rushed that made me get a job in a pub and enrol on a college course. I even went on holiday with a lad who I had only recently become good friends again with and a bunch of lads I didn't know.
A few examples of how disconnected I felt during this time:-
A girl in my college class told me she came to the pub were I worked and had something to eat with her family. I told her I didn't remember that. She replied "you even served us" (funny now, but it wasn't at the time).
I turned up at football one Friday at 8pm instead of 7pm and wondered why everyone was coming off the pitch. I had been playing football at the same time and place for two years before this happened??
I had to leave the pubs Christmas party in Blackpool because I had a minor panic attack. I remember standing a night club and having no emotions and nothing to say. I went to splash water on my face to see if that would help, it didn't. I had to get away from there quickly. So I got a taxi and went home. I decided to finished working at the pub after this incident and just concentrate on college.
On holiday, I didn't really do anything or enjoy it for the two weeks while I was away (I was just glad for the memory). The only time I did anything or slightly enjoyed the holiday was on the second to last night. This was when I decided to follow what the other lads were doing and get very drunk. I felt better in myself for a short while afterwards, but I shouldn't have to rely and didn't want to rely on drink to make me feel OK.
After I got back off holiday, all I wanted to do was to get a simple job (somewhere you didn't have to deal directly with people) and try to get better that way.
Instead of taking it easy and getting a job where you didn't have to deal directly with people. I ended up getting another barman's job! which made me feel worse. I couldn't turn this job down either, because I new the people who ran the club (the friend on holiday's parents) and they were short staffed behind the bar.
Working at the club was hell, I had to force myself to concentrate (I had to re say simple orders over and over again in my head, so I didn't forget them). I couldn't and didn't want to speak to people. I just wanted to go home and rest.I cant remember whether I quit or whether I wasn't asked back. Either way I was happy to have finished working there.
Looking back, I remember the day when the worst period of withdrawal symptoms started to come to an end. I was at a christening with my mate (who I went on holiday with) outside the club were I used to work and I was offered a joint in another lads car. This shook me instantly! The thought, this isn't me! ran through my head. So I said to my mate "I'm going to have to go home, I don't feel well".
When I got home, I put my trainers on and went for a run across Moor Park. The trouble was I didn't fancy doing that either, I didn't make it past the first football pitch.
2 things happened directly around having a minor glimpse of my old emotions:-
I started to get rid of the friends I made while I was taking the Seroxat. I seemed to have made them on a different connection.
I found it even harder to concentrate for a short period of time. I swung a brush at my dad because he told me to "Think!" after I cut the edge the wrong way. We laugh about it now, he says "He ducked" and I say (and know) that I missed him on purpose.
After having a minor glimpse of my old emotions, I thought it would only be a few weeks till I felt better. So the next time I saw my mate, I told him that I just needed to rest for a while and that it would probably be November when I'd see him again. I said this to him in September 2002 expecting to see him again in November 02. I saw him again in November 03!
October 02 - August 03
I seemed to feel a lot calmer after having a glimpse of my old emotions. I didn't feel the need to do things because I felt rushed and I had to catch up anymore.
So in Nov 02, I managed to get a job as a Labourer for a catalogue company. This job suited me well in the beginning, because all I had to do was deliver parcels and empty the bins. If there was nothing to do in between the jobs, I could just read a book or a newspaper.
Although working as a labourer made me feel a lot calmer. I still decided to leave the job after 6 months. This was because the monotony of the job (as well as having no interests) was getting me down.
The money I saved up while I worked as a labourer allowed me to take a couple of months off. It was during the first couple of months off, that the last *panic attack happened (2 all together) and the final time (2 in all) I saw a **psychiatrist.
* The final panic attack happened when I decided to go to a nightclub (with a friend who I new before I went on Seroxat) and when I got there, I felt like I had no emotions and was completely blank.
** I stopped seeing the psychiatrists because they weren't helping. The first time I went (2000)the only thing they did was double the dose of Seroxat from 10mg to 20mg. When I went the second time (2003) they completely ignored my complaint about how my emotions had changed and just showed me a diagram about OCD (which was the secondary and minor problem).
I was so angry that the psychiatrist didn't listen to me, I forgot the appointment time a week later and turned up early. When I got in I had a minor argument with the psychiatrist and receptionist about the appointment time (I still had the week before on my mind) and walked out. As I walked out I thought that the only way to try and get better is to do it yourself
A week later, I got a letter through the door from Cable Court (the psychiatrists) it said "You don't need to come back for your weekly appointment and the wording in the letter also made it seem like I could have got incapacity benefit for as long as I wanted.
Two things happened after this letter:-
I realised that you probably can't win an argument with a psychiatrist when your there for an appointment. All they'll do is think what your arguing about is a symptom of your mental condition.
An even bigger desire to try and get better myself went through me. So I ripped the letter up that said I could have got incapacity benefit for as long as I wanted and I started to look for a part-time job.
Although I felt a lot better in myself from this point on. It is only now (Feb 2009) that I realise how I was still badly affected by Seroxat for the next four years.
Aug 03 - June 05
Since I felt a lot better than anytime in the past 3 years, I thought the only way to continue to get better was to be around different people. So I decided to go back round to see my mate who I hadn't seen since September 2002. I also started to look for jobs which were either part-time or temporary.
Luckily, I managed to get a job as a part-time driver for Domino's. This job suited me well because you could be driving about on your own for an hour delivering a couple of pizzas.
Since I was doing a lot more things than what I used to do (working at Domino's and going back to see my mate), I thought I was close to being near 100 percent. I was still nowhere near:-
I still couldn't talk to people how I wanted or feel like I did before I took Seroxat.
I ate a lot (At Domino's I used to drink a litre bottle of Coke almost every day when I'd finish work. I would also have a medium sized pizza about 3 times a week. To make matters worse I used to ring Domino's for a pizza on my days off).
I still had no desire to play football or sport like I used to have (It was just something to do. When I did play football, I sometimes had to finish early because the interest I had in playing was suddenly gone).
The days were starting to feel slightly longer but it still didn't feel like there were any special days (e.g Weekends).
These symptoms stayed the same for every job I had till about 2007.
All I used to look forward to was going round to my mates club in the week and at the weekend, drinking. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed seeing my mate and we got on well, but it just wasn't me.
I remember every time we used to go out around town with the friends he knew or I was invited to a party (he knew a lot of people). I would struggle to speak to people the way I would have liked. This wasn't because of my original emotions returning (I wish it was, I would have enjoyed it a lot more), It was because there was no desire to speak to anyone. I was just glad to be out but I didn't want to talk to anybody. I always tried to be polite with people I'd meet, but it was really hard to just say hello.
The only time I felt well was when I got very drunk on a few occasions, but like I said somewere above, I didn't want to rely on drink to make me feel better.
I only stopped seeing my mate in April 2006 after an argument when (the only time) I got extremely drunk.
I decided to get extremely drunk because I hadn't been out for weeks and I had a monotonus job. I was working weekend nights typing telephone numbers (which was making me feel worse). So one Friday night, I thought forget work tommorrow, i'll go out with my mate on a birthday party around Blackpool and i'll do what my mates friends usually do and get extremely drunk.
Looking back, I don't regret getting extremely drunk and ending my friendship with my mate. This is because at the time I was hanging around with him, I was also hanging around with his mates, most of which I wouldn't have been friends with before I went on Seroxat. I would say that out of all the people who my mate knew, there is probably only 2 people who I would have been friends with before I went on Seroxat and only one of them (possibly) was in his close friends.
2 examples of how I was spoken to by his mates:-
I was told to "shut up you D**k!" because I said the word "Bread" instead of "Butty" when I was asking anybody if they wanted anything to eat.
I was just shoved a cup in my face and told "Tea!" while I was watching them play poker.
If I hadn't have stopped seeing my mate I would probably be in a bad way now. All I used to do was to go round to see my mate and have a few drinks and get very drunk on ocassions. There was no interest in playing football or getting fit for football at all.
The only time I played football competively during this period, I was substituted halfway through by an injured player because I couldn't run!?!?! (thats how much I had changed).
June 05 - Sept 06
It was during this period when I was starting to feel that the days were getting longer and that I needed something to do. So when I got the offer to play for a cricket team I jumped at the chance.
I really enjoyed playing cricket for the first two seasons I was there (2005-2006). The people were/are really nice and there was a good atmosphere.
I still didn't feel how I did before I took Seroxat, but I was beggining to feel better:-
I was starting to get some desires back again (like starting to enjoy cricket and football).
I was walking to places more but I still ate a lot (I used to go to the chippy 3 or 4 times a week. I went so much I even got a bottle of wine off them for christmas!!!)
Sept 06 - Oct 07
Then for some strange reason in 2007 -2008 my desire to play cricket suddenly went. I remember I drove off after I had finished batting in the second innings of one game (2007) and I didn't go back to the club for the rest of the season. This was because I really didn't get any enjoyment out of playing cricket at all . I had to force myself to play for a few weeks before this incident.
I went back to the cricket club for a short while in 2008 (just to watch) but I didn't enjoy that either.
The reason why this period is strange to me is because I was feeling alot better than I had done previously, yet there was no desire to play any sport. It was as if I was put in some sort of hybernation. I didn't have a job or interests and wasn't bothered about it. I also wasn't unhappy I was just content to do nothing at all.
Oct 07 - Dec 08
I was starting to get some slight interest in things around now. So I got myself a part-time cleaning job and I also went back to *10 pin bowling on Monday nights. I was genuinly feeling a lot better than I had done previously.
I was eating less than I had done.
I was also walking to and from places more.
*I left 10 pin bowling in early 2003 because as I mentioned earlier on, I was in a bad way at that time. I didn't want to talk to anyone and I was realising my emotions had changed.
At this point, I was expecting more of the same, a gradual improvement in my well being.
Dec 08 - Early Feb 09
Instead of getting a continual, gradual recovery like I had since about 2004. I got a big emotional leap (shock) instead.
This emotional leap (shock) happened when I saw a photograph of myself on a big screen while I was at a new years eve party.
I just couldn't believe it was me on that photograph. As soon as I saw the photograph, the thought "That isn't, me is it!?" Instantly hit me in a wave of emotion.
The last time I felt like I did at that moment, I was about 12 stone. Now on that photo I was about 19 1/2 stone. I couldn't believe how I had changed and that I hadn't noticed or cared.
My head was sort of spinning from that point on. I couldn't wait for New Years Eve to finish, I just wanted to go home.
For a few days after new years eve, I was in a bad way. I was feeling aggressive and frustrated because the days were getting there individuality back and I was also realising that I had no emotional connection to the past 9 years of my life.
I was feeling so depressed and frustrated at this point:-
I started to become aggressive and argumentative (I ended my friendship with my mate who invited me to the new years eve party. I had also known him since before I went on Seroxat).
I put a knife to my wrist again (I stopped when blood began to show).
After a couple of days (3rd Jan), these really bad aggressive and frustrating symptoms seemed to subside and I began to feel a lot more calmer and relaxed. I actually started to show more interest and enjoyment in playing/watching football and cricket. I also started running as well on the odd occasion.To me the severe symptoms showed themselves again because I was getting nearer *30 and my emotions were beggining to return to somewere near normal. Where as in the first year or two after I took seroxat my original emotions were disapearing and that brought on the depression and frustration.
*European watchdogs also recommended extra care be taken in prescribing Seroxat for people under 30. From the Observer article:- Dark secrets lurking inside the drug cabinet.
Even though I was starting to get my interests back and in general I was feeling a lot better than anytime previously. There were still a few times (about 4) when I felt down. All were minor except the one below:-
I was walking back from the town centre and I started to feel emotions that I hadn't felt since before I took Seroxat (no way as bad as the new years eve period). It was like the clouds were opening up and the sun was coming through. When I got home, I remember feeling so upset that 9 years of my life had gone, I would have definitly considered taking Seroxat again to mask my emotions.
The one reason why I most likely wouldn't have taken Seroxat again, was because I knew that every time I had got a glimpse of my old emotions since new years eve (and felt down because of them). I felt a lot better afterwards. I just had to ride through the times when I felt down.
Mid Feb 09 -
I was getting some of my original emotions back around now:-
The days were getting more individuality (instead of thinking about bowling on Mondays and football on Fridays, with the days inbetween being skipped. I was now thinking that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday........etc, as individual days).
There is more interest and desire to play football and cricket like I used to have. As well as getting myself fit for them.
Although I am genuinley....genuinley feeling much better. There are still some problems that occur because of my emotions beggining to return to normal.
I start to feel rushed and panicky on rare occassions
I start to feel stressed when doing active group work (e.g. building things).
The are two examples that I can think of which encompass both of the points above. One of them was when I went out with the people from bowling. The other is the course I am/was doing (Just imagine how bad my English would be if I hadn't have been on this course).
When I went out with the people from bowling. I remember feeling panicky when the other people were turning up and sitting down at the table. I started thinking "What am I going to say" and got nervous about it. I even started to feel conscious about how much weight I had put on since I last felt that way.
At the course I am/was doing we were put in groups and was asked to plan and reorganise a classroom. I started to feel a bit panicky and stressed when everyone started walking past each other and started to shout instructions. It was basically a mess of noise.
To be honest, I'm not bothered about these two incidents because the last time I felt panicky and stressed in a group situation. I had just begun taking Seroxat and my emotions were dissapearing. Now that Seroxat was going out of my system and my emotions were returning I was getting some of the same side effects (albeit a lot minor).
I have to stress that despite having the odd minor re-occurance of the symptoms I had in the first couple of years (00-01) after taking Seroxat. As well as adapting to not having an emotional connection to the past 9 years of my life. I am definitly feeling a lot better than anytime since I took Seroxat back in 2000. My emotions are returning and I am getting more enjoyment from playing football and cricket.
